Diamond Age or a Young Lady's Illustrated Primer Read online

  “It is not done that way,” Major Napier said.

  “I was afraid of that,” Hackworth said.

  “Typically such commitments are superfluous, as in most cases the party has very little choice in the matter.”

  “Yes,” Hackworth said, “I see what you mean.”

  “The commitment is a moral one, a question of honour,” Finkle-McGraw said. “That such an engineer falls into trouble is evidence of mere hypocrisy on his part. We are inclined to overlook this sort of routine caducity. If he goes on to behave treasonously, then that of course is a different matter; but if he plays his role well and provides information of value to Her Majesty’s Joint Forces, then he has rather deftly parlayed a small error into a grand act of heroism. You may be aware that it is not unusual for heroes to receive knighthoods, among other more tangible rewards.”

  For a few moments, Hackworth was too startled to speak. He had expected exile and perhaps deserved it. Mere forgiveness was more than he could have hoped for. But Finkle-McGraw was giving him the opportunity for something much greater: a chance to enter the lower ranks of the nobility. An equity stake in the tribal enterprise. There was only one answer he could make, and he blurted it out before he had time to lose his nerve.

  “I thank you for your forbearance,” he said, “and I accept your commission. Please consider me to be at Her Majesty’s service from this moment forward.”

  “Waiter! Bring some champagne, please,” Major Napier called.

  “I believe we have something to celebrate.”

  From the Primer, the arrival of a sinister Baron;

  Burt’s disciplinary practices;

  the plot againstthe Baron;

  practical application of ideas gleaned from the Primer;

  flight.

  Outside the Dark Castle, Nell’s wicked stepmother continued to live as she pleased and to entertain visitors. Every few weeks a ship would sail over the horizon and anchor in the little bay where Nell’s father had once kept his fishing boat.

  An important fellow would be rowed ashore by his servants and would live in the house with Nell’s stepmother for a few days, weeks, or months. In the end, she always got into shouting arguments with her visitors, which Nell and Harv could hear even through the thick walls of the Dark Castle, and when the visitor had gotten sick of it, he would row back out to his ship and sail away, leaving the wicked Queen heartbroken and sobbing on the shore. Princess Nell, who had hated her stepmother at first, came to feel sorry for her in a way and to realize that the Queen was locked into a prison of her own making, even darker and colder than the Dark Castle itself.

  One day a barkentine with red sails appeared in the bay, and a redheaded man with a red beard came to shore. Like the other visitors, he moved in with the Queen and lived with her for a time. Unlike the others, he was curious about the Dark Castle and would ride up to its gates every day or two, rattle the door handles, and walk all around it, staring at its high walls and towers.

  In the third week of the man’s visit, Nell and Harv were astonished to hear the twelve locks on the gate being opened, one by one. In walked the redheaded man. When he saw Nell and Harv, he was just as astonished as they were. “Who are you?” he demanded in a low, gruff voice.

  Princess Nell was about to answer, but Harv stopped her.

  “You are the visitor here,” he said. “Identify yourself.”

  At this, the man’s face turned almost as red as his hair, and he strode forward and struck Harv across the face with his mailed fist. “I am Baron Jack,” he said, “and you may consider that my calling card.” Then, just for spite, he aimed a kick at Princess Nell; but his foot in its heavy metal armor was too slow, and Princess Nell, remembering the lessons Dinosaur had taught her, dodged it easily. “You must be the two brats the Queen told me about,” he said. “You were supposed to be dead by now-eaten up by trolls. Well, tonight you shall be, and tomorrow the castle will be mine!” He seized Harv and began to bind his arms with a stout rope. Princess Nell, forgetting her lessons, tried to stop him, and in a flash he had grabbed her by the hair and tied her up as well. Soon both of them were lying helpless on the ground. “We’ll see how well you can fight off the trolls tonight!” Baron Jack said, and giving each of them a slap and a kick just for spite, he strode off through the gate and locked the twelve locks again.

  Princess Nell and Harv had a long wait until the sun went down and her Night Friends came to life and untied her and Harv. Princess Nell explained that the evil Queen had a new lover who intended to take the Dark Castle for himself.

  “We must fight him,” Purple said.

  Princess Nell and all the other friends were startled to hear these words, for usually Purple was patient and wise and counseled against fighting. “There are many shades of gray in the world,” she explained, “and many times when the hidden way is best; but some things are purely evil and must be fought to the death.”

  “If he were but a man, I could crush him with one foot,” Dinosaur said, “but not during the daytime; and even at night, the Queen is a sorceress, and her friends have mickle powers. We will need a plan.”

  That night there was hell to pay. Kevin, the boy whom Nell had defeated over tetherball, had learned everything he knew about being a bully from none other than Burt, because Burt had lived with Kevin’s mom for a while and might even have been Kevin’s dad, so Kevin went to Burt and told him that he’d been beaten up by Harv and Nell acting together. That night, both Harv and Nell got the worst spanking of their lives. It went on so long that finally Mom tried to step in and get Burt to calm down. But Burt slapped Mom across the face and shoved her down on the floor. Finally, Harv and Nell ended up in their room together. Burt was in the living room having a few beers and getting into a Burly Scudd ractive. Mom had run out of the apartment, and they had no idea where she was.

  One of Harv’s eyes was swollen shut, and one hand was not working. Nell was terribly thirsty, and when she went to pee, it came out red. Also she had burns on her arms from Burt’s cigarettes, and the pain just kept getting worse.

  They could sense Burt’s movements through the wall, and they could hear the Burly Scudd ractive. Harv could tell when Burt had gone to sleep because a single-user ractive eventually went into pause mode if the user stopped racting. When they were sure Burt was sleeping, they stole into the, kitchen to get some medicine from the M.C.

  Harv got a bandage for his wrist and a cold-pack for his eye, and he asked the M.C. for something to put on their cuts and burns so they wouldn’t get infected. The M.C. displayed a whole menu of mediaglyphs for different kinds of remedies. Some of them were premiums, which you had to pay money for, and there were a few freebies. One of the freebies was a cream that came in a tube, like toothpaste. They took it back to their room and took turns spreading it on each other’s cuts and burns.

  Nell lay quietly in bed until she could tell that Harv had gone to sleep. Then she got out the Young Lady’s Illustrated Primer.

  When Baron Jack came back to the castle the following day, he was angry to find the ropes piled on the ground, and no bones cracked and gnawed by trolls. He stormed into the castle with drawn sword, bellowing that he would kill Harv and Princess Nell himself; but entering into the dining room, he stopped in wonderment as he saw a great feast that had been laid out on the table for him: loaves of brown bread, pots of fresh butter, roasted fowl, a suckling pig, grapes, apples, cheese, broth, and wine. Standing next to the table were Harv and Princess Nell, dressed in servants’ uniforms.

  “Welcome to your castle, Baron Jack,” Princess Nell said.

  “As you can see, we your new servants have prepared a small snack that we hope will be to your liking.” Actually, Duck had prepared all of the food, but as this was the daytime, she had turned back into a little toy along with all the other Night Friends.

  Baron Jack’s anger subsided as his greedy eyes traveled over the feast. “I will try a few bites,” he said, “but if any of the food is no
t perfect, or if you do not serve me to my liking, I’ll have your heads spiked on the gates of the castle like that!” and he snapped his fingers in Harv’s face.

  Harv looked angry and was about to blurt out something terrible, but Princess Nell remembered the words of Purple, who said that the hidden way was best, and she said in a sweet voice, “For imperfect service we would deserve nothing better.”

  Baron Jack began to eat, and such was the excellence of Duck’s cooking that once he started, he could barely stop himself. He sent Harv and Nell scurrying back to the kitchen again and again to bring him more food, and though he constantly found fault with them and rose from his chair to give them beatings, he had apparently decided that they were worth more to him alive than dead.

  “Sometimes he would burn their skin with cigarettes too,” Nell whispered. The letters changed on the page of the Primer.

  “Princess Nell’s pee-pee turned red too,” Nell said, “because the Baron was a very bad man. And his real name wasn’t Baron Jack. His real name was Burt.” As Nell spoke the words, the story changed in the Primer.

  “And Harv couldn’t use his arm because of the wrist, so he had to carry everything with one hand, and that’s because Burt was a bad man and he hurt it really bad,” Nell said.

  After a long silence, the Primer began to speak again, but the lovely voice of the Vicky woman who told the story sounded thick and hoarse all of a sudden and would stumble in the middle of sentences.

  Baron Burt ate all day, until finally the sun went down.

  “Bar the doors,” said a high squeaking voice, “or the trolls will be after us!”

  These words came from a little man in a suit and top hat who had just scurried through the doors and was now eyeing the sunset nervously.

  “Who is that pipsqueak interrupting my dinner!?” roared Baron Burt.

  “This is our neighbor,” Princess Nell said. “He comes to visit us in the evening. Please let him sit by the fire.”

  Baron Burt looked a bit suspicious, but at this moment Harv set a delicious strawberry cheesecake in front of him, and he forgot about the little man entirely, until a few minutes later, when the high squeaking voice piped up again:

  There once was a Baron named Burt

  Who was so tough he couldn’t be hurt

  And could wrestle a bear; but I think

  After two or three drinks

  Like a child he’d throw up on his shirt.

  “Who dares mock the Baron!?” bellowed Baron Burt, and looked down to see the new visitor leaning insouciantly on his walking stick and raising a glass as if to toast his health.

  Your Majesty, don’t be upset

  And please feel free now to get

  Into bed; for it’s been a long day

  And you’re in a bad way

  And your trousers you’re soon going to wet.

  “Bring me a cask of ale!” shouted Baron Burt. “And bring another for this upstart, and we’ll see who can hold his drink.”

  Harv rolled two casks of strong ale into the room. Baron Burt raised one to his lips and drained it in single pull. The little man on the floor then did the same.

  Two skins of wine were then brought, and once again both Baron Burt and the little man easily finished them. Finally, two bottles of strong liquor were brought, and the Baron and the little man took turns drinking one swallow at a time until the bottles were empty. The Baron was confounded by the small man’s ability to drink; but there he stood, upright and sober, while Baron Burt was becoming very drunk.

  Finally the little man pulled a small bottle from his pocket and said,

  For a young man, ale is fine

  While grownups much prefer wine

  Liquor’s a thing

  That’s fit for a king

  But it’s kid stuff compared to moonshine.

  The little man uncorked the bottle and took a drink, then handed it to Baron Burt. The Baron took one swallow and fell asleep instantly in his chair.

  “Mission accomplished,” said the little man, sweeping off his top hat with a deep bow, revealing a set of long furry ears-for he was none other than Peter in disguise.

  Princess Nell ran back to the kitchen to tell Dinosaur, who was sitting by the fire with a long wooden pole, poking it in the coals and turning it round and round to make the point very sharp. “He’s asleep!” she whispered.

  Miranda, sitting in her stage at the Parnasse, felt an overwhelming sense of relief as her next line appeared on the prompter. She took a deep breath before she delivered it, closed her eyes, settled her mind, tried to put herself there in the Dark Castle. She looked deep into Princess Nell’s eyes and sold the line with every scrap of talent and technique she had.

  “Good!” said Dinosaur. “Then the time has come for you and Harv to flee from the Dark Castle! You must be as stealthy as you can. I will come out later and join you.”

  Please get out of there. Please run away. Get out of that chamber of horrors where you’ve been living, Nell, and get to an orphanage or a police station or something, and I will find you. No matter where you are, I’ll find you.

  Miranda had it worked out already: she could compile an extra mattress, put Nell on the floor of her bedroom and Harv in the living room of her flat. If only she could figure out who the hell they were.

  Princess Nell hadn’t responded. She was thinking, which was the wrong thing to do right now. Get out. Get out.

  “Why are you putting that stick in the fire?”

  “It is my duty to see that the evil Baron never troubles you again,” Miranda said, reading from the prompter.

  “But what are you going to do with that stick?”

  Please don’t do this. It’s not the time to ask why. “You must make haste!” Miranda read, trying once again to sell the line as best she could. But Princess Nell had been playing with the Primer for a couple of years now and had gotten in the habit of asking endless questions.

  “Why are you making the stick sharper?”

  “This is how Odysseus and I took care of the Cyclops,” Dinosaur said.

  Shit. It’s going all wrong.

  “What’s Cyclops?” Nell said.

  A new illustration grew on the next page, facing the illustration of Dinosaur by the fire. It was a picture of a one-eyed giant herding some sheep.

  Dinosaur told the story of how Odysseus killed the Cyclops with a pointed stick, just as he was about to do to Baron Burt. Nell insisted on hearing what happened after that. One story led to another. Miranda tried to tell the stories as fast as she could, tried to put a tone of boredom and impatience into her voice, which wasn’t easy because she was actually on the verge of panic. She had to get Nell out of that apartment before Burt woke up from his drunk.

  The eastern sky was beginning to glow …

  Shit. Get out of there, Nell!

  …

  Dinosaur was just in the middle of telling Princess Nell about a witch who turned men into swine when suddenly, poof, he turned back into a stuffed animal. The sun had come up.

  Nell was a bit startled by this turn of events, and closed the Primer for a while, and sat in the dark listening to Harv wheeze and Burt snore in the next room. She’d been looking forward to the moment when Dinosaur would kill Baron Burt, just as Odysseus had done to the Cyclops. But now it wasn’t going to happen. Baron Burt would wake up, realize he’d been tricked, and hurt them worse.

  They’d be stuck in the Dark Castle forever.

  Nell was tired of being in the Dark Castle. She knew it was time to get out. She opened the Primer.

  “Princess Nell knew what she had to do,” Nell said. Then she closed the Primer and left it on her pillow.

  Even if she hadn’t learned how to read pretty well, she would have had no trouble finding what she wanted just by using the M.C.‘s mediaglyphics. It was a thing she’d seen people use in the old passives, a thing she’d seen when Mom’s old boyfriend Brad had taken her to visit the horse barn in Dovetail. It was called a sc
rewdriver, and you could have the M.C. make them in all different shapes: long, short, fat, skinny.

  She had it make one that was very long and very skinny. When it was finished, it made the hissing sound that it always made, and she thought she heard Burt stirring on the sofa.

  She peeked into the living room. He was still lying there, his eyes closed, but his arms were moving around. His head turned from side to side once, and she could see a glimmer between his half-opened eyelids.

  He was about to wake up and hurt her some more.

  She held the screwdriver out in front of her like a lance and ran straight toward him.

  At the last instant she faltered. The tool went astray and skidded across his forehead, leaving a trail of red stitches. Nell was so horrified that she dropped it and jumped back Burt was shaking his head violently back and forth.

  He opened his eyes and looked right at Nell. Then he put his hand to his forehead and brought it back all bloody. He sat up on the sofa, still uncomprehending. The screwdriver rolled off and bounced on the floor. He picked it up and found the tip bloody, then fixed his eyes on Nell, who had shrunk into the corner of the room. Nell knew that she had done the wrong thing. Dinosaur had told her to run away, and she had pestered him with questions instead.

  “Harv!” she said. But her voice came out all dry and squeaky, like a mouse’s. “We must fly!”

  “Yeah, you’re gonna fly all right,” Burt said swinging his feet around to the floor. “Right out the fucking window you’re gonna fly.”

  Harv came out. He was carrying his nunchuks under his injured arm and the Primer in his good hand. The book hung open to an illustration of Princess Nell and Harv running away from the Dark Castle with Baron Burt in pursuit. “Nell, your book talked to me,” he said. “It said we should run away.” Then he saw Burt rising from the sofa with the bloody screwdriver in his hand.

  Harv didn’t bother with the nunchuks. He bolted across the room and dropped the Primer, freeing his good hand to fling the front door open. Nell, who had been frozen in a nearby corner for some time, shot toward the door like a bolt finally loosed from a crossbow, snatching up the Primer as she ran past it. They ran into the hallway with Burt only a few paces behind.