The Rise and Fall of D.O.D.O.: A Novel Read online

  Diachronicle

  DAY 584 (EARLY MARCH, YEAR 2)

  In which everything expands

  AS DODO EXPANDED, THE ORGANIZATIONAL hierarchy, and its attendant bureaucracy, evolved accordingly. It was both electric and irritating to witness a corporation blooming around us, leaving us sometimes marooned in the middle of it. I was grateful for Mortimer, the IT geek specialist, who brought a touch of whimsy to the chunks of that bureaucracy he managed. Even more grateful than I was Rebecca, whom DODO decided to hire given that she was frequently underfoot anyhow, not only asking lots of intelligent questions but frequently answering them. She was also very good with Erszebet, and that could be said about nobody else except myself, who was increasingly beleaguered with procedural developments. Once Mortimer got the intranet (ODIN) up and running it began to take up too much fucking bandwidth a lot of my time.

  It also altered how we did things. Within a matter of months Tristan and I went from being almost Siamese twins to actually seeing each other in person only at the (snazzy new) snack bar or the occasional lunch out; most of our engagement was via ODIN channels. This had an odd effect on our friendship: after the electricity of first meeting, there had been a frisson between us that we never acknowledged (although it was strong enough for others to comment upon)—but we certainly enjoyed it. (Or at least, I confess to enjoying it, and to perceiving within him clues that he did as well.) Then, spending so much time together, we grew accustomed to our closeness, so that we went from not-quite-first-date to old-married-couple almost seamlessly.

  Until ODIN came along.

  Once Tristan became just an icon on the nearest screen, I often forgot that he was a living, breathing, winsome Male, and so when we would encounter each other—in the copy room, grabbing a handful of grapes, waiting for a meeting with Blevins . . . that initial electricity, that exquisitely repressed well-hello-there energy, erupted all over again, and never quite settled because we were never in each other’s presence continuously for quite long enough.

  THE ONE EXCEPTION was in early March of the second year. Tristan and I flew to DC for a meeting with General Frink and Dr. Rudge at the Trapezoid. I will only detail the mental take-away, but the emotional and visceral takeaway was that I got to spend two entire plane rides alone in a private plane with a hot bad-ass dude handsome gentleman, who crossed his legs carefully when I looked at him too long and who could make me grin inwardly (only inwardly, I assure you) merely by uttering my surname in a particular tone. Now that I know there will never be such plane rides again, I wish to state that despite the violation of DODO’s baroque sexual harassment policy, it really is a fucking shame regrettable that we did not make better use of that privacy.

  But I digress. Back to the mental takeaway:

  Based on Oda-sensei’s most recent estimates, the goal became to have a fully functioning Chronotron by the end of the year, at which point we would be able to undertake formally planned DEDEs—DODO’s chartered purpose. Meanwhile, we would postpone any outcome-oriented missions. No more moneymaking gambits, etc. After the Chronotron was online, we would be able to run such missions far more safely and efficiently.

  In the meantime, those of us on the payroll would not be idle. Do not think it, reader! As well as the office-speak mumbo-jumbo to become familiar with, there were still certain diachronic jaunts it was deemed safe to undergo, those being:

  First and above all, to seek out and convert witches and other abettors, thus creating a network of Known Compliant Witches (KCWs) and safe houses.

  Second, to fill in the data gaps the Chronotron noted as it was uploading digitized information from primary and secondary historical material—in other words, factoid-finding missions (what did a particular intersection in Rome look like in 44 BC; how large were daikon in pre-modern Japan; where did George Washington sleep the night of 11 January, 1779, etc.). Not only was this useful for the Chronotron data workers, but it would also help us to break in new recruits with low-stakes missions.

  Third (in a similar vein), to make reconnaissance missions to DTAPs we knew would be important for future work. Chief amongst these was Constantinople circa 1203 (more on that in a moment) and Renaissance London, both of which would be major hubs within the KCW network.

  Fourth, we were free to rove for the purposes of counterintelligence: to keep an eye on potential diachronic activities of our strategic rivals. Not that the identity of those rivals had been shared with us.

  As to Constantinople. That jewel in the crown of the Byzantine Empire. That continent-straddling stronghold of the Eastern Orthodox Church. That famously inviolable walled city ruled by generations of interbred usurping nut-jobs a pantheon of families so tortuously intertwined as to be the basis of our modern adjective byzantine. This was a fantastically complex city with a wide range of languages and cultures, so it was required to build up a large database including not just linguistics but maps, etiquette, cultural practices, weapons, and other things that our DOers would need to know in order to function in that time and place—the time being circa 1203, the Fourth Crusade (not, for the history buffs among you, the siege a few days later, or the occupation, or the final shitstorm destruction of the city, but Galata Tower). A lot of that research fell into my lap, in my role as head of the amusingly named Diachronic Operative Resource Center.

  The DNI (that would be Frink) wished to stabilize certain national and ethnic frontiers in Eastern Europe, the Balkans, and Turkey that had begun to show considerable GLAAMR—an indication that Someone Else might be conducting diachronic operations in an effort to shift them. Between Erszebet’s iPad Quipu (her IQ, as it were) and Frank Oda tapping into the elemental quipus of the Chronotron, we were able to calculate backwards that our best counter-action was to move a particular Orthodox relic from one tent to another in the Byzantine Emperor’s army camp when his army fled from the Crusaders after the siege of Galata Tower.

  Regarding the developments of the witch network: as well as Constantinople 1203, we also sought KCWs in a range of intermediate eras and locations where we perceived it would be easier for us to conduct operations (or, as I might have said before I learned to talk the talk, “do things”). New ODECs were being built, but as we had only one witch—who was temperamental on the best of days—we had to “leverage” (General Frink’s term) Erszebet by having her Send DOers to familiar locations: pre-1851 safe houses where we had KCWs who could then forward our agents onward through the network.

  The “trunk line” of the network, so to speak, was to be anchored at one end in 1203 Constantinople and on the other in 1602 London, where we had re-established connections with Gráinne and her friend Rose. Thanks to Rose’s intercession, we now had access to a secure safe house on the outskirts of the city, equipped with clothes, weapons, and other DOer resources. The other major stop on the line needed to be Antwerp circa 1560, for reasons beyond the scope of this narrative. I had attempted to cultivate a relationship there with one Winnifred Dutton, an English witch resident in that DTAP. Knowing her own worth (she had admirably influential family relations and appeared capable of Wending), she was standoffish toward my initial queries; eventually she decided she would assist us in exchange for a certain hard-to-find herb known as kalonji.

  Rather conveniently for us, kalonji grew in profusion in the palace garden of Blachernae . . . in thirteenth-century Constantinople.

  Post by Dr. Roger Blevins to Dr. Melisande Stokes

  on private ODIN channel, 15:32:37

  DAY 584 (EARLY MARCH, YEAR 2)

  Dr. Stokes:

  ...

  Post by Dr. Roger Blevins to Dr. Melisande Stokes

  on private ODIN channel, 15:32:59

  DAY 584 (EARLY MARCH, YEAR 2)

  Dr. Stokes:

  ...

  Post by Dr. Roger Blevins to Dr. Melisande Stokes

  on private ODIN channel, 15:33:07

  DAY 584 (EARLY MARCH, YEAR 2)

  Dr. Stokes:

  ...

 
Post by Dr. Roger Blevins to Dr. Melisande Stokes

  on private ODIN channel, 15:52:34

  DAY 584 (EARLY MARCH, YEAR 2)

  Dr. Stokes:

  Disregard previous posts. I had to find Mortimer Shore (on the roof of the building engaging in what appeared to be a sword duel) and get him to explain to me the proper usage, in the modern world, of what I call the “return,” and he denominates the “enter,” key.

  I’m losing track of the different types of DOers. Could I trouble you or Lieutenant Colonel Lyons to post a canonical taxonomy?

  Cordially,

  Roger

  DODO MEMORANDUM

  CANONICAL TAXONOMY OF DIACHRONIC OPERATIVE TYPES

  BY LTC TRISTAN LYONS

  POSTED Day 585

  For clarity in internal communication and record-keeping, please employ these terms, and these terms ONLY, when referring to different types or categories of DOers. If you think of some other new category that needs to be added, please see me or Dr. Stokes before editing this list.

  FORERUNNER

  (deprecated synonyms: SUICIDE BOMBER, DEAD MAN RUNNING, SCHNEIDER)

  One who is Sent to a DTAP in which DODO has no Known Compliant Witch, safe house, or other contacts/infrastructure whatsoever. Considered the most elite and difficult-to-recruit subclass of DOer, Forerunners must possess all the skills of a STRIDER (see below) combined with those of a FIGHTER, LOVER, or CLOSER.

  FIGHTER

  (deprecated synonyms: CONAN, WARRIOR)

  One who specializes in missions where, to put it politely, martial attributes are of the essence. Since every DTAP has a unique environment surrounding weapons, fighting styles, and martial culture, competence in fighting is only a part of the skill set required to be a successful Fighter. It is equally important to know how and when to fight.

  LOVER

  (deprecated synonyms: REDACTED)

  Seems self-explanatory. But to counter some misconceptions, actually having sex is not part of the job description. We prefer to focus on the unique combination of personal charm, appearance, and social skills needed to influence historical decision makers who have been identified as “libido-motivated.”

  CLOSER

  A new category best described as LOVER without the carnal element. One who is highly skilled at changing someone’s mind without hurting or seducing them.

  STRIDER

  (deprecated synonyms: SNAKE EATER)

  Wilderness survival expert.

  SPY

  Specialist in stealthy, unobtrusive observation and (since we can’t bring notes/sketches home with us) memorization.

  SAGE

  Subject matter expert, such as a historian or linguist, sent to a DTAP to investigate a specific question of interest to DODO.

  MACGYVER

  Typically a biologist, chemist, materials scientist, or engineer with exceptional aptitude for building devices, concocting medicines, etc., using natural and man-made substances available in a given DTAP.

  MEDIC

  Medical professional with additional training required for practice in pre-modern conditions.

  A final note: the above are not mutually exclusive. More often than not, a given DOer will fit into more than one of these categories.

  Post by LTC Tristan Lyons on

  “Recruiting” ODIN channel

  DAY 620 (EARLY APRIL, YEAR 2)

  As has been noted repeatedly by Dr. Blevins and others higher up the chain of command, recruitment of DOers has proceeded more slowly than we would like. Finding people with the right combination of security clearance, skill set, and physical attributes is a very demanding challenge. I’ve lost track of the number of promising candidates we’ve had to reject because of dental work alone.

  As DORC continues to staff up new HOSMAs (Historical Operations Subject Matter Authorities) and trainers, we’ll increasingly be able to “grow our own” DOers by selecting promising candidates and training them in the requisite languages and skills. We’ve already seen progress in that area with new HOSMAs coming online almost daily, specializing in the languages and cultures of late medieval Europe and the Byzantine Empire. But a DOer can only learn a language so fast.

  In the meantime, we are therefore going to have to rely on a small number of extremely exceptional people who just happen to walk in the door with all the capabilities we need—needles in a very large haystack. Fortunately, General Frink and Dr. Rudge have been active in connecting us to the existing recruitment networks that the United States Government and its allies have established in the military and intelligence sectors, giving us broader access to the aforementioned haystack and enabling us to search through it more efficiently.

  I’m pleased to announce that today we have signed our first two DOer recruits: Chira Lajani and Felix Dorn. Both were recruited specifically with an eye towards the upcoming kalonji DEDEs, which as you all know is the linchpin of our plan for establishing a really solid safe house in 1562 Antwerp. Because of her unusual linguistic skill set, we also believe that Chira will be DODO’s pathfinder in 1200 Constantinople, which is projected to be the focal point of many diachronic operations in the first year or two of DODO’s operations.

  Chira and Felix came to us through very different recruitment pathways. Chira first came to the attention of U.S. Intelligence talent scouts active in the Syrian refugee community. Considered too physically conspicuous for conventional intelligence work, she was brought to our attention as someone fitting the “Lover” profile. Felix, by contrast, is an old friend and mentor of mine whom I recruited over a beer. Their dossiers are available on the ODIN system for those of you curious to know more about our newest colleagues. Please join me in making Chira and Felix feel welcome in the Department of Diachronic Operations!

  —Tristan

  DODO HUMAN RESOURCES

  PERSONNEL DOSSIER

  FAMILY NAME: Lajani

  GIVEN NAME(S): Chira Yasin

  ALIAS(ES): Cyl

  AGE: 24

  CLASS: Lover

  HEIGHT: 5′3″

  EYES: Brown

  HAIR: Brown

  COMPLEXION: Medium/olive

  DISTINCTIVE FEATURES: Mole near left clavicle

  ETHNICITY: Kurd

  NATIONALITY: Syrian

  LANGUAGE FLUENCY RATINGS:

  Kurdish: 5

  English, Zaza-Gorani, Turkish: 4

  Farsi, Syrian, and Iranian Arabic: 3

  Bulgarian, Greek: 2

  NOTE: Following immersive training in medieval Hebrew as preparation for kalonji DEDE, subject scored 2.5 fluency rating in that language, however the score is at best speculative given our uncertain knowledge base.

  RELIGION: Non-observant Muslim

  CITIZENSHIP: Stateless, being fast-tracked for U.S. citizenship

  BIOGRAPHY: Upper-middle class secular Muslim from Kobani (Ayn al-Arab). At the age of 16, lived in United States (Issaquah, Washington) for 9 months as part of a foreign exchange program. Attended Cornell University. Psychology major, Dance minor. Dropped out in sophomore year when parents publicly decapitated by IS forces. Pretended to be ISIS sympathizer on social media, flew to Istanbul, traveled overland to border region with intention of crossing Syrian border. En route, fell in with and entered into sexual relationship with male MI6 agent also masquerading as ISIS recruit. With him, crossed border into Syria and returned to Kobani to protect younger sister (15) and brother (13). During subsequent military operations, escaped from Kobani with her siblings and crossed back into Turkey, made way overland to Bodrum, crossed over to Greek island of Kos in inflatable boat, joined refugee community on Kos. There recognized the body language of American DODO recruiter who was posing as a refugee. Approached him. Her story cross-checked with accounts on file from the MI6 agent. Agreed to work for DODO in exchange for her and her siblings being fast-tracked for American citizenship.

  SKILL SET: Besides languages (above) and keen assessment of body language (above), extremely fit, hardy, able to
stay calm in high-stress and physically challenging circumstances; dancer (modern, jazz, bellydance); history and affect suggests aptitude for emotional/psychological persuasiveness and manipulation. Well-spoken with broad Western-style liberal arts education. Appealing face and figure by most cultures’ metrics.

  LIMITATIONS: Minimal self-defense or martial arts experience. Incapable of being inconspicuous or subtle, even when wearing burka. Do not send on missions requiring stealth or delicate negotiations. Comfortable in cosmopolitan and suburban settings; rural and slum settings not so good.

  DODO HUMAN RESOURCES

  PERSONNEL DOSSIER

  FAMILY NAME: Dorn

  GIVEN NAME(S): Felix John

  ALIAS(ES): N/A

  AGE: 31

  CLASS: Strider

  HEIGHT: 5′9″

  EYES: Hazel

  HAIR: Brown

  COMPLEXION: Light

  DISTINCTIVE FEATURES: Appears to squint (actually has 20/15 vision); slight stutter on the letter L

  ETHNICITY: American of Austrian/German/Dutch heritage

  NATIONALITY: U.S.

  LANGUAGE FLUENCY RATINGS: